I know you are, but what am I?

It's June 1989..

"Hello fellow musician people. Welcome to the first installment of Terrifying Guitar 101. I've got some really hip licks to show you (well, at least I think they're hip), so turn off that Gilligan's Island rerun, and we'll get started...."

Thus began the first of Paul's regular columns for Guitar Player magazine, Terrifying Guitar 101.

Skip to September 1991, the column was an institution (or should that read should be in an institution !), always humourous, and often damnright hilarious (yup, I can imagine now, Pauls' laughter at our attemts to play some of his exercises!), then Paul came out with this jem..

I know you are, but what am I?

You know you are:

• a TV addict when, while in foreign countries, you watch talk shows in languages you don't understand.
• getting older when you see the coolest mechanical dinosaur toy ever made, but you don't really want it.
• rationalizing when you decide that a Snickers bar is good for you because it has peanuts.
• a true Beatles fan when the most upsetting news of 1990 involved comparisons between the New Kids on the Block and the Fab Four.
• a marsupial when you have a pouch.
• dreaming when you're in a bathtub, but it's really your high school, and you're running, but nothing's happening, and your teeth are falling out, and you can't remember where you parked your car with the big bag of money in the trunk.
• Godzilla when you can beat up Morthra the giant moth.
• too tall when you don't fit into the tour bus bunk.
• in trouble when two of the three picks at the end of your drill have broken off before you're even halfway through your heartfelt rendition of "Theme from Chariots Of Fire."
• bored with your life when you'd rather control someone else's.
• Zamfir when you're the master of the pan flute.
• stuck when you step into a bucket of tar.
• Captain Kangaroo when Mr. Moose drops ping pong balls on your head every day.
• wasting time when you try to get into any "hip" club in L.A. and are not as famous as Bruce Willis.
• Bruce Willis when you can beat up Mothra the giant moth.
• a musician when you can't dance.
• at the Galapagos islands when you see marine iguanas.
• eclectic when you've read this far.
• a very patient individual (and probably a Racer X fan) when you spend the time to learn this excerpt from "Scit Scat Wah."